Hecklin’ Donald

I finally figured out what Donald J. Trump is: He’s a heckler.

I finally figured out what Donald J. Trump is: He’s a heckler.

Hair Apparent.

The White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner showcases Presidents’ ability to do standup comedy. Whatever your politics, there’s little question that Barack Obama is the best ever to do it. (Ronald Reagan may have been just as funny overall but Obama’s standup ability is unparalleled.)

The comedian and the heckler have an intimate, if opposite, relationship. One is trying to build something and one is trying to tear it down. It’s almost like two kids on the beach — one constructing a sand castle and the other trying to knock it over.

(Btw, that’s how I picture Brahma and Shiva. And Vishnu’s in the middle, just trying to… maintain.)

Here’s the thing, though: the comedian does not need the heckler. The heckler does need the comedian. Because comedians are doing all the creating; are hecklers are doing is destroying. If the comedian doesn’t make anything, there’s nothing to tear down.

And that’s one of the great ironies of Donald Trump. For a real estate builder, he’s a lot better at being a wrecking ball than a crane. Does Washington, DC need to be demolished? Yes, but only if what comes next is better — and it’s not enough to say that you’re going to replace Obamacare with “something terrific.” That’s an actual response of his — I about died laughing when I heard that. Try using it in your social life and see how that goes over.

“Let’s go see a movie tonight.”

“No.”

“Oh. What do you want to do?”

“Something terrific.”

Nobody makes plans like that. And so that’s probably my biggest concern with Trump.

They say, “Everybody’s a comedian.” Nope. Everybody’s a heckler. As it’s been said, Trump is a YouTube comments section come to life. Online commenters aren’t comedians — they’re hecklers.

Even if a heckler does take a comedian down or is offered the chance to take the stage (I’ve seen it happen), he freezes under the glare of the lights. He’s got no original material.

So, if Trump’s scorched earth is finally littered with Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, Crooked Hillary, and Crazy Bernie (the collection of which sounds like the Beagle Boys on DuckTales), what next?

You can’t just call the Chinese President “Slanted Hu.” He’s got nukes. You don’t see a whole lot of comedians roast customers in the parking lot at closing time — show’s over… it’s not a joke… and you can get your ass kicked.

Once Donald The Heckler becomes the Comedian-in-Chief, responsible for actually establishing and executing ideas, what then?

“‘And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept… for there were no more worlds to conquer.’” — Hans Gruber, Die Hard

Rajiv is a standup comic and social commentator. He resides in Los Angeles.