Musings on the Coronavirus
Chronicling the End of the Empire
1.This past week, a fellow comedian and I were talking about the coronavirus. Comics have to live on the bleeding edge of what’s acceptable or we’re not doing our jobs. In offline conversations, it’s never Too Soon. But we decided that any jokes anyone does could end up being not-very-funny if this thing really does explode, which it appears ready to do. In fact, today seemed to be the tipping point; I’d venture to say that it’s certainly not amusing to people who have already lost somebody to it. My Mom made the simple but effective point: even if only a few people die, it’s not like those people don’t matter.
2. New slogan for Italy: “When in Rome… stay home.”
3. I did manage to get laughs last weekend in Chicago by opening with this: “As many of you noticed, I didn’t shake your hands. We’re all freaking out about coronavirus on the coasts. Gotta love what we were hearing as recently as a few days ago:
‘GLOBAL PANDEMIC. HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS MAY BE INFECTED. THOUSANDS HAVE ALREADY DIED. WHAT CAN YOU DO???… Wash your hands.’
Really, that’s the play? And shouldn’t you have been doing that, anyway? (Based on my experience, 1 out of 3 men don’t.) Btw, then why are we not supposed to shake hands? I just saw somebody give somebody else the elbow instead of the hand. Aren’t we supposed to sneeze and cough into our elbows? ‘Yeah, I just phlegmed into my joint. Here ya go.’” My Mom is thrilled that the Namaste can now become standard. 🙏🏾 On that whole tip, maybe we don’t need to Make America Great Again. We need to Make America India. Next step: no more toilet paper. Let’s all bust out those lotas.
4. Wuhan Clan ain’t nuttin’ ta f*ck wit.
5. As Brad Paisley sang, “Welcome to the Future.” For the first time in a long time, I have the distinct sense that we’re in a new era. I was talking to a friend of mine, when I remarked offhand, “When we used to be able to travel to other countries…” I trailed off, realizing the magnitude of what I’d just uttered. For that moment, it felt like we were living in a dystopian science fiction novel. I’m worried everyone around me might be dangerous. To be better prepared, I really should’ve watched more zombie movies. Actually, they’re reporting no deaths under the age of 19. In an eerie way, you know what this reminds me of? Children of the Corn. What if the new world is one in which nobody lives past the age of 18? Spooky.
6. The coronavirus will reveal what we’ve long suspected: America is broken. It seems the testing kits we have here in the US are not working. Reminds me of Spaceballs…
7. The Grand Princess and the Junior Senator from Texas have been hit hard. Guess fate really doesn’t like Cruises or Cruzes.
8. Yes, influenza kills many more people, but people who keep referring to that stat are missing the point entirely. It’s the unknown that is so terrifying. Unsurprisingly, a Joker quote comes to mind:
“You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go ‘according to plan.’ Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all ‘part of the plan.’ But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well, then everyone loses their minds!”
— The Dark Knight (2008).
The flu is the truckload of soldiers and the coronavirus is the mayor.
9. The 2020 census is underway. Maybe just wait a year and there’ll be fewer people to count? Now, that was dark. But perhaps not as dark as something a friend of mine said recently: “Man, they just need to wipe out all those Baby Boomers.” Ouch. That comment hasn’t aged well.
10. In many portrayals of the future, we see an isolated society. In my all-time favorite Simon & Garfunkel jam:
“And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening. People writing songs that voices never share… And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.”
OK, maybe it’s not a “jam.” But certainly, our phones have driven us away from the casual conversation that used to mark our social interactions. Just gazing out at my fellow man is a vastly different experience from what it was only a few years ago. Almost nobody looks at anybody anymore; we’re all staring into our screens — and I’m just as guilty as anyone else. And now we’re adding masks to the equation? We won’t even see as many faces. This idea of Social Distancing… staying away from each other… is only going to exacerbate this phenomenon. We all long for the human touch and we’ll now be getting much less of it. Except when we exacerbate.
11. Last summer, we sold a bunch of stock right before the mini-crash. We did it again with coronavirus… took down our positions on a Friday and the Dow Jones took a hit on a Monday. We also have no kids. I’m just saying I really know when to pull out.
12. Parasite wins Best Picture. Two weeks later, we get coronavirus.
And yes, I realize a virus isn’t a parasite. I took two years of biology in college. At least this post may go viral?
13. Naturally, I am not happy this is shaping up to be a major tragedy. But I absolutely believe we should politicize it. Our President has politicized just about everything, blaming Democrats, minorities, and the media for things that are beyond anyone’s control. Well, this was within his Administration’s control as he slashed funding for pandemics and Lord knows what else. And what I sincerely believe is that four more years of Donald J. Trump will lead to far more destruction than what we’ve seen. I’ve been saying for three years now that Trump will be fine as long as things are good. Dude has been skating on likely the greatest luck any world leader has ever had. It was like “the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost… they caught the last train for the coast.” Finally, here’s something he can’t BS or con his way out of. That’s justice. All he’s done is declare victory when things had nothing to do with him. IF YOU’RE GONNA CLAIM WINS THAT AREN’T YOURS, THEN YOU HAVE TO ABSORB LOSSES THAT AREN’T YOURS.
14. My Mom has been saying for months that Trump is gonna dump Mike Pence for Nikki Haley. It sure does appear that Trump has set his VP up for failure in a move reminiscent of House of Cards. Absolutely thrown him under the bus.
15. At least “Baby Shark” is finally out of my head and has been replaced with that song by The Knack. “M-m-m-my Corona.”
Fin.
16. The World Health Organization (WHO) says it’s taking extra precautions to manage coronavirus better than SARS. I really wish the statement would’ve been…
“Won’t Get Fooled Again.” — The Who
17. Coronavirus has got to be China’s worst export since TikTok.
18. New Rochelle, NY, is on lockdown. Did Rochelle come from Italy?
“A young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.”
Seinfeld, Anyone?
19. And the President just banned travel from Europe. Trump is stopping white people from coming? This is getting serious…
20. “May You Live in Interesting Times” may or may not be an old Chinese curse. If it is, that may be the most ironic thing I’ve read in a long time.
[Edited Post/Developing Story.]
#coronavirus
Rajiv Satyal is a comedian. He resides in Los Angeles, CA.