Musings on the Coronavirus, Part II
Chronicling the End of the Empire
Chronicling the End of the Empire.
1. Coronavirus appears to come from bats. Avian flu came from birds. Swine flu from pigs. We can redo the year, inspired by the Chinese calendar. 1996 is now the Year of the Bird… 2009 is the Year of the Pig… 2020 the Year of the Bat…
2. A note on overreaction: years ago, we had an event in LA called Carmageddon. From Friday to Sunday, they shut down the 405 between the 10 and the 101. To most people, those are just a series of numbers. To Angelenos, this was the nightmare scenario. This 10-mile freeway stretch is one of the most heavily-traveled paths on Earth. After it was over, a ton of Angelenos… well, a ton of Angelenos is about 20 people… so, several tons of Angelenos complained that we’d all overreacted because it wasn’t really that big of a deal. You dumbasses! The very reason it wasn’t such a big deal is because we reacted the way we did. Most of us ran our errands during the week and made only local plans on the weekend, staying off the road altogether. Had we not done that, it truly would’ve been a disaster. Ironically, by over-preparing for coronavirus, we will avoid the coronavirus problem¹.
I Thought It Was “The 405.”
3. Who would’ve thought spam would now become the most helpful kind of online comment? “Begin now benefitting on the web at home. Begin making additional $500 dependably by managing the web at home. I have gotten $18528 a month once more from this clear secretly organized occupation. This activity is really stunning and gives me momentous low help pay dependably. Each individual would now have the ability to makes more pay online effectively by basically take after guidelines on this link….…”
4. A post from an Italian doctor has gone viral. While I adore the sentiment, I doubt very much that we will be able to achieve it. At the end of his 1994 tome, Hyperspace, theoretical physicist Dr. Michio Kaku concludes on a downer. Throughout his book, he says that the human race can develop the technology to control the weather on Earth and explore other planets, but in all likelihood, our divisiveness will get the better of us. Because of our tendency to fight each other, we just won’t be able to get it together. I’m with him.
This One’s for the Birds.
I’m a natural-born cockeyed optimist, but looking at the data, I, too, am not very sanguine. I’m looking at packed bars in large cities. I’m looking at a lot of people who aren’t canceling social plans. I’m looking at a recent poll that shows 80+% of Democrats who are worried and a corresponding number of Republicans who are not. This past Sunday’s Meet the Press roundtable featured columnist David Brooks’ suggestion that we all get on Nextdoor (basically a Facebook for your neighborhood) and offer to help our neighbors. I wrote a Nextdoor post last night but finally hesitated to share it. Why? Because of the absolutely inane back-and-forth that happens just about every time somebody posts something. Somehow, the community manages to make everything political. Sure, I’ll criticize this President, but I don’t think he himself is responsible for the actual coronavirus. Here’s my message:
“All — Long-time reader, first time poster. My wife and I have been on Nextdoor since we moved to the neighborhood three years ago. We’d like to offer help to those who need it during the coronavirus outbreak. I do not know what anybody needs, so please accept my apologies if this is a little vague. But we are relatively young and healthy and are just trying to be good neighbors. Just a heads-up that we are not experts. And with all respect, I’m not interested in debating whether corona is a large or a small issue. So, I implore you not to make this political. I like Nextdoor when I see people helping others… I love politics as much as the next guy, but I don’t believe this is the the platform for it, so I’m kindly requesting no partisan arguments on this post. I was inspired by a commentator today who said we could all hop on Nextdoor to connect with those close to us. And no, he doesn’t work for Nextdoor. Haha. As such, we’re simply offering neighborly assistance in case anyone needs any. Happy to brainstorm ideas as to what this looks like. Thank you! — Raj.”
Should I post it? After all, at the end of REQUIEM FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM — The Chomsky Documentary, liberal political activist Noam Chomsky, who’s been down on America for decades and up in my inbox for months, still thinks Americans may very well turn it all around and do the right thing because our system of free speech is still the best in the world. Neither Kaku nor Chomsky was talking about coronavirus specifically, but the battle plays out in my mind: do we have what it takes to beat this thing and move ahead? The answer is, “Yes, if.”
All Up in Your DMs.
Yes, if our better angels are called upon. Sadly, this isn’t only an American problem: just take a look at the deleterious reactions across Europe. Great leadership calls out the best in us. If the human race is united, we can do this. Unfortunately, we live in an age of blame: everything Trump does is to play us against each other: corona is a foreign virus sent by China… the hype is a media hoax… the scare is a ploy by the Democrats… Barack Obama botched swine flu. Dude, Obama hasn’t been President in years. When are you gonna let that go? And by most accounts, the Obama Administration handled swine flu quite well, even if 12,000 Americans died.
IN A BATTLE OF HUMAN V. VIRUS, WE WIN.
IN A BATTLE OF HUMAN V. HUMAN, WE LOSE.
5. One positive in The Wall Street Journal/ NBC News poll is that the American people have confidence, to the tune of 75% and 72%, that our state and local governments, respectively, will be able to handle the corona crisis. Major shout-out to Governor Mike DeWine, the Republican Governor of my home state of Ohio, for how he’s navigating this, from his policy of closing down bars and restaurants statewide to his calm tone and demeanor. Now that’s leadership. What better way to lose two months’ salary? Oh, that’s De Beers, not DeWine.
That Rings Familiar.
6. When Donald J. Trump took office, the Dow Jones was at 19,732. And yesterday, it was at 20,188. That’s almost 500 points, or 2%. Great job, douche!
7. How about Trump at that press conference on Friday, huh? Dude is basically an MC. A total hype man. “This next guy is the CEO of CVS Pharmacy, a brand we all know and love. He’s doing a tremendous job. I have no idea what the hell he’s doing or any clue about any of this, but he’s just amazing, believe me…”
8. A movie quote leaps to mind.
“Helen and I have been married 42 years. Lately, every night, I find myself asking the same question: ‘Who is this old woman who lives in my house?’”
About that File Size…
When Harsha and I first moved into our house in Burbank, the power went out. We got a notification that it wasn’t going to come back on for three hours. We’d finished dinner and had nothing to do. What can a husband and wife do together with no power? No Netflix? No cable? I mean, we did what any newlyweds would do, but what to do with the remaining two hours and 58 minutes? We busted out The Book of Questions, my podcast questions, and anything we could think of. Have you ever asked your roommates their hopes, dreams, and fears? Try it. You may learn something.
Don’t Give a Stock Answer.
9. We had a family wedding scheduled this past weekend in Palm Springs. My heart truly went out to them. I just tried to think back to that time for us. I said to Harsha, “Imagine if that would’ve happened to us. Think back to July 2015. Our wedding is this weekend. Think of ALL of the things that go into a wedding: the DJ, the dance floor, the playlist… I’m just thinking of ALL of the things that mattered to me at our wedding… you know… the extension cord so the DJ could plug his computer and equipment in… the shoes I was gonna wear for dancing…” She walked out of the room at that point.
10. Yesterday, I was flipping channels and saw ten men bouncing and throwing an orange striped ball into two nets on the opposite ends of a long floor. What was that game?²
11. Part of the reason people aren’t freaking out as much is they have a hard time grasping things that are non-linear, like exponential / geometric / logarithmic scales. The Richter Scale is logarithmic: Each successive earthquake magnitude is 33 times larger than the last. That means a magnitude-8.0 earthquake is 33 times stronger than a 7.0, and a magnitude-9.0 earthquake is 1,089 (33 x 33) times more powerful than a 7.0 — the energy ramps up fast. That’s tough to comprehend. It’s like the age-old question: would you rather I give you a million dollars or give you a penny the first day and then double it till the end of the month? With the latter method, you end up with a LOT more money. Or, as I told my brother, “That’s why the bathtub seems to get so much dirtier with each passing day. The bacteria are multiplying at a multiplying rate. Because there are more bacteria, there are more to multiply.” His reply? “Gross. Don’t ever tell me that again.” My Mom’s reaction: “Go clean the bathtub.”
12. One upside of coronavirus? If you don’t wear green today, nobody will pinch you. Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
It’s “Paddy’s” and not “Patty’s.” Get it right or you’ll get slapped and not pinched.
Rajiv Satyal is a standup comic. He resides in Los Angeles.
¹My fellow comic, Azhar Usman, calls me “the irony police.” I wrote a whole post about irony. I sent it to famed brutal editor Rakesh Satyal for feedback. His reply? “It’s perfect.” Key takeaways? 1. Yes, you need to get ready. 2. I’m really smart.
²“Oh, sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big H. It was a most ripping victory.”