Slingin' Crack Rock

That New Will Smith Video Totally Slaps

At the 94th Oscars last Sunday, comedian Chris Rock cracked a G.I. Jane joke at actress Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense.

Initially, Mr. Smith laughed at Rock’s crack, so the audience might’ve thought he only believed, "𝗜 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗜 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗠𝘆 𝗪𝗶𝗳𝗲." However, if anyone should’ve known 𝗚𝗶𝗿𝗹𝘀 𝗔𝗶𝗻’𝘁 𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗧𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗲, it’s the Fresh Prince. At the same time, if anyone should've known about the importance of 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗛𝗮𝗶𝗿, it's the comedic director of that documentary.

Things took a turn for the worse as Smith waltzed up the runway; all he saw was Rock, so he might’ve imagined it was 𝗔 𝗡𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗠𝘆 𝗦𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗲𝘁 and it was now 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝗨𝘀.

For his part, Rock was 𝗡𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗦𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗱 because he didn't fathom Smith would actually 𝗕𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗮𝗶𝗻 by applying his 𝗧𝗼𝗽 𝗙𝗶𝘃𝗲 fingers to his face, especially at a formal event surrounded by women and Elliot Page and 𝗠𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸. Wouldn’t they just handle this like 𝗚𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗨𝗽𝘀?

Alas, those last three feet had to feel like 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗬𝗮𝗿𝗱. Now, it's not 𝗙𝗮𝗿𝗴𝗼, but he didn't have Far-to-Go. And then… Boom Boom 𝗕𝗼𝗼𝗺! 𝗦𝗵𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺. Smith proved himself to be 𝗕𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 & 𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗲𝗿.

Throwing a swing like 𝗔𝗹𝗶, Smith sucker-slapped Chris Rock, or rather, he 𝗜’𝗺-𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮-𝗚𝗶𝘁-𝗬𝗼𝘂-𝗦𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗮-slapped Rock. In one fell swoop, Smith took California back to its 𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗪𝗲𝘀𝘁 days, though men from that period at least had the Focus to challenge their opponent to a duel instead of Handcocking someone. He then walked away with a smirk on his face, looking all “𝗜 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗜 𝗖𝗮𝗻 𝗕𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝗠𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗧𝘆𝘀𝗼𝗻.”

Smith sat down and yelled, “Keep my wife’s name out your f*ckin’ mouth.” Interestingly, Smith once recorded a banger called “Miami.” If he had to rewrite the loathsome Don’t Say Gay bill in that state, he might make it Don’t Say Jada.

Rock, to his credit, didn’t wallow in self-pity, lamenting, "𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝗛𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀.” For a split second, after he uttered, “Oh, I could…” he must’ve been wondering, "Should I Strike Back like Jay and Silent Bob?" He knows comedians are particularly vulnerable because this wouldn't have happened to the 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗲.

𝗖𝗕𝟰 (See, Before) all this madness began... It’s an open Hollywood secret that Mr. & Mrs. Smith swing and don’t really subscribe to 𝗡𝗼 𝗦𝗲𝘅 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗴𝗻𝗲 𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺 — or anywhere else, for that matter. So, there was no need to attack Rock and 𝗞𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿.

It isn't exactly 𝗗𝗼𝗴𝗺𝗮tic, but Smith, given his status as the top-grossing movie star in Hollywood history, might’ve been feeling, “𝗜 𝗔𝗺 𝗟𝗲𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱.” Perhaps, though, he had an OOBE and embodied 𝗜, 𝗥𝗼𝗯𝗼𝘁 instead.

The LAPD was backstage, possibly adjacent to a 𝗕𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗛𝗶𝗹𝗹𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗽, too, but Rock took the high road, proving why he’s my all-time #1 standup comedian and also ensuring there wouldn’t be two 𝗕𝗮𝗱 𝗕𝗼𝘆𝘀. Knowing the history of the LAPD, he probably didn’t want the cops Gettin’ Piggy with It.

Or maybe he didn't want to raise a racquet. Speaking of which, a few moments later, Smith won Best Actor for 𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗥𝗶𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱, though they could use the nickname and call him King Dick. Jaden Smith posted, “That’s how we do it,” marking the occasion as something even his 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱.

In the end, Smith apologized and probably wishes he could take it all back, but the genie’s out of the bottle like 𝗔𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗶𝗻. Smith resigned from the Academy, so he’s free to go about his life. Today must feel like his 𝗜𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗗𝗮𝘆. There’s certainly a part of me that’s sad for him. Here’s hoping he can continue on with 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝘂𝗿𝘀𝘂𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗛𝗮𝗽𝗽𝘆𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀… without a… 𝗛𝗶𝘁𝗰𝗵.

𝘙𝘢𝘫𝘪𝘷 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘺𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘱 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘯, 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘵.