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Slingin' Crack Rock
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Slingin' Crack Rock

That New Will Smith Video Totally Slaps

Rajiv Satyal
Apr 4
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At the 94th Oscars last Sunday, comedian Chris Rock cracked a G.I. Jane joke at actress Jada Pinkett Smithโ€™s expense.

Initially, Mr. Smith laughed at Rockโ€™s crack, so the audience mightโ€™ve thought he only believed, "๐—œ ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ธ ๐—œ ๐—Ÿ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐— ๐˜† ๐—ช๐—ถ๐—ณ๐—ฒ." However, if anyone shouldโ€™ve known ๐—š๐—ถ๐—ฟ๐—น๐˜€ ๐—”๐—ถ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—ก๐—ผ๐˜๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—•๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ง๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฏ๐—น๐—ฒ, itโ€™s the Fresh Prince. At the same time, if anyone should've known about the importance of ๐—š๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ ๐—›๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ฟ, it's the comedic director of that documentary.

Things took a turn for the worse as Smith waltzed up the runway; all he saw was Rock, so he mightโ€™ve imagined it was ๐—” ๐—ก๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ต๐˜๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐— ๐˜† ๐—ฆ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐˜ and it was now ๐—๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ง๐˜„๐—ผ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—จ๐˜€.

For his part, Rock was ๐—ก๐—ฒ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ฆ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ because he didn't fathom Smith would actually ๐—•๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ป by applying his ๐—ง๐—ผ๐—ฝ ๐—™๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ fingers to his face, especially at a formal event surrounded by women and Elliot Page and ๐— ๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—•๐—น๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ธ. Wouldnโ€™t they just handle this like ๐—š๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐—จ๐—ฝ๐˜€?

Alas, those last three feet had to feel like ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—Ÿ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ฌ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฑ. Now, it's not ๐—™๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ด๐—ผ, but he didn't have Far-to-Go. And thenโ€ฆ Boom Boom ๐—•๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—บ! ๐—ฆ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ธ๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฅ๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—บ. Smith proved himself to be ๐—•๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐—ฟ & ๐—•๐—น๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ.

Throwing a swing like ๐—”๐—น๐—ถ, Smith sucker-slapped Chris Rock, or rather, he ๐—œโ€™๐—บ-๐—š๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ป๐—ฎ-๐—š๐—ถ๐˜-๐—ฌ๐—ผ๐˜‚-๐—ฆ๐˜‚๐—ฐ๐—ธ๐—ฎ-slapped Rock. In one fell swoop, Smith took California back to its ๐—ช๐—ถ๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—ช๐—ถ๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—ช๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ days, though men from that period at least had the Focus to challenge their opponent to a duel instead of Handcocking someone. He then walked away with a smirk on his face, looking all โ€œ๐—œ ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ธ ๐—œ ๐—–๐—ฎ๐—ป ๐—•๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐— ๐—ถ๐—ธ๐—ฒ ๐—ง๐˜†๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ป.โ€

Smith sat down and yelled, โ€œKeep my wifeโ€™s name out your f*ckinโ€™ mouth.โ€ Interestingly, Smith once recorded a banger called โ€œMiami.โ€ If he had to rewrite the loathsome Donโ€™t Say Gay bill in that state, he might make it Donโ€™t Say Jada.

Rock, to his credit, didnโ€™t wallow in self-pity, lamenting, "๐—˜๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜†๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ฑ๐˜† ๐—›๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜€.โ€ For a split second, after he uttered, โ€œOh, I couldโ€ฆโ€ he mustโ€™ve been wondering, "Should I Strike Back like Jay and Silent Bob?" He knows comedians are particularly vulnerable because this wouldn't have happened to the ๐—›๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฆ๐˜๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ.

๐—–๐—•๐Ÿฐ (See, Before) all this madness began... Itโ€™s an open Hollywood secret that Mr. & Mrs. Smith swing and donโ€™t really subscribe to ๐—ก๐—ผ ๐—ฆ๐—ฒ๐˜… ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ฅ๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—บ โ€” or anywhere else, for that matter. So, there was no need to attack Rock and ๐—ž๐—ถ๐—น๐—น ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐— ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ด๐—ฒ๐—ฟ.

It isn't exactly ๐——๐—ผ๐—ด๐—บ๐—ฎtic, but Smith, given his status as the top-grossing movie star in Hollywood history, mightโ€™ve been feeling, โ€œ๐—œ ๐—”๐—บ ๐—Ÿ๐—ฒ๐—ด๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ.โ€ Perhaps, though, he had an OOBE and embodied ๐—œ, ๐—ฅ๐—ผ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜ instead.

The LAPD was backstage, possibly adjacent to a ๐—•๐—ฒ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—น๐˜† ๐—›๐—ถ๐—น๐—น๐˜€ ๐—–๐—ผ๐—ฝ, too, but Rock took the high road, proving why heโ€™s my all-time #1 standup comedian and also ensuring there wouldnโ€™t be two ๐—•๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—•๐—ผ๐˜†๐˜€. Knowing the history of the LAPD, he probably didnโ€™t want the cops Gettinโ€™ Piggy with It.

Or maybe he didn't want to raise a racquet. Speaking of which, a few moments later, Smith won Best Actor for ๐—ž๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฅ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฑ, though they could use the nickname and call him King Dick. Jaden Smith posted, โ€œThatโ€™s how we do it,โ€ marking the occasion as something even his ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜๐˜€ ๐—๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐——๐—ผ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—จ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ.

In the end, Smith apologized and probably wishes he could take it all back, but the genieโ€™s out of the bottle like ๐—”๐—น๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ป. Smith resigned from the Academy, so heโ€™s free to go about his life. Today must feel like his ๐—œ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ ๐——๐—ฎ๐˜†. Thereโ€™s certainly a part of me thatโ€™s sad for him. Hereโ€™s hoping he can continue on with ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฃ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ถ๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—›๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐˜†๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€โ€ฆ without aโ€ฆ ๐—›๐—ถ๐˜๐—ฐ๐—ต.

๐˜™๐˜ข๐˜ซ๐˜ช๐˜ท ๐˜š๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜บ๐˜ข๐˜ญ ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ข ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ข๐˜ฏ, ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ด ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ญ ๐˜ง๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ž๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ž๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜Œ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ต.

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