The Funny Indian Newsletter, Vol. CLXIII
April 2020: Disinfected Youth
Welcome
Hello from Los Angeles!
My heart goes out to everyone directly affected by the coronavirus. I am counting my blessings during this time. As I like to put it when people ask me how I’m doing: “I’m with the woman I love, in our home, in great weather. And it sucks.”
Obviously, those things don’t suck, but wow. What a time this is. Fortunately, since I don’t have to travel, this has been the most writing prolific period I’ve ever had.
And just this week, I’m booking paid gigs to perform virtually. Please keep me in mind for standup sets or to host parties so your Zoom doesn’t feel like a zoo.
Alright, here’s the news.
Hire
Gandhi is… well, we don’t wanna say “killin’ it.” But Gandhi is gettin’ booked on Cameo. I’ve recorded a bunch of these in the last week. Want a customized birthday (or other) message for somebody? You can hire me. (Or him.)
See
Past
04/01: Drew Tarvin’s Virtual Standup Show
04/15: Drew Tarvin’s Virtual Standup Show
04/17: Minority Reportz
04/23: Hindu Students Council
04/23: Facebook Live
04/24: Flappers Comedy Club
Future
05/02: Indiaspora Gala
05/05: Comedy/Variety Power Hour
Watch
SPREADING CHEER, NOT CORONA
Melanie Chandra & I asked 50 of our closest friends to record something to inspire and entertain the world. Russell Peters... passed? Something ironic about wearing a Nike shirt and just... not doing it.
A "Viral" Video Coming Soon...
Watch
I released a comedy special, The Coronavirus Chronicles, recorded at my home in Burbank, California, on 1 April 2020. We did three Facebook Watch Parties: first with Vibrnz, then with the South Asians in Entertainment group, and then on my profile. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the number of people who have “paid” to watch it. It’s of course free, but I’m without income for the foreseeable future. If you laugh, I wouldn’t mind a Venmo, PayPal, Chase QuickPay, or other e-money. Just don’t walk up and hand me cash. Ha. You can see if it’s worth your time (or money) because you can still watch it on Facebook. Here it is on YouTube:
Watch
The GQ India Minute with the Funny Indian:
Watch
Fun times joining Melanie Chandra for her coronavirus Instagram video series.
"As you can see, Arya was NOT having it. So last week I decided to call my good friend Funny Indian to chat about FOMO, premonitions following our two-person show, and which bean is curiously out of stock."
We enjoyed it so much, we did it again.
Watch
After many years, I finally relaunched my podcast, The Tangent Show. My first guest back is LA-based actress Jane Le. Watch on YouTube. Watch on Facebook.
Listen
Congrats to Raman & Sharon for their podcast launch! Honestly, they conducted one of the best interviews of me I’ve heard, pulling out a lot of stuff I’ve never discussed. Enjoy.
Listen
Thanks, #RukusAvenueRadio, for my own show on Dash Radio.
Read
Thanks, Rukus Avenue, for connecting me with Eastern Eye for the big feature.
Kinda killing me that the editors placed an indefinite article in front of "myriad," but I'll live. At least they didn't place a preposition after it. Kudos*.
Oh, and you're welcome, Aparna Dixit, for the placement... I'll be the (eastern) eye candy here.
#EveryGirlsCrazyForASharpDressedMan
*Every editor edits. And they did a great job overall. But here's the whole story at The Laugh Factory that night... especially since I was talking about an English band.
OH, THAT’S RICH: Onstage at the Hollywood Laugh Factory, I asked a man in the audience if he liked Lionel Richie. To my amazement, he said he didn’t. I gasped, “Why not?” He said he was more of a rock person than a pop person. “OK, what’s your favorite band?” “Pink Floyd.” “Oh, that’s a good one. Love them. What’s your favorite album by them?” “The Wall.” “Mine, too. What’s your favorite song on your favorite album?” “Hmm… probably ‘Hey You.’” “Good one. What’s your favorite lyric of your favorite song?” “‘Together we stand, divided we fall.’” As I broke out into dance, I flipped it on him and sang, “You know, I could do this… ALL NIGHT LONG. All night… all night long…” Maybe you had to be there.
Read
Thrilled my post on The Last Dance made the sports page in Medium.
Follow
My Top Posts on Facebook and on Twitter:
The curve is flattening. The people are fattening.
People are wearing masks so they can't talk but can still listen? Ideal comedy crowd.
Just a reminder: Those of us who get to decide what we do with our days are lucky.
Mom, I didn't become a doctor, but I am wearing a mask everyday.
I have a Twisted Sister song in my head, except it's "We're Not Gonna Make It."
Ventilators! MOUNT UP.
Make Dennis Rodman America's Mascot. Then you know we'll rebound.
If kids replace eating Tide Pods with Lysol, would we have disinfected youth?
These virtual comedy shows sometimes have a 5-sec lag. Luckily, I've played Alabama.
Segregation now! Segregation tomorrow! And segregation for at least a few more weeks.
Remember that scene where Moses parts the sea and holds it as his people cross? Without European Wax Center, that's me with my eyebrows right now.
Donald Trump. Joe Exotic. Michael Jordan. Liars and Tigers and Bulls—oh, my!
Uploading a screenshot of myself as my ZoomVirtual Background so I can go nap.
In Trump's defense, the Dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding used Windex as his cure-all.
Click here to see Windex’s reply!
Like
I designed this T-shirt. Pretty much sums up my life.
Ask
SCARY MOVIE RECOS?
Confession: My life has been an ongoing battle between Pop Culture Maven and Total Scaredy Cat.
My desire to see every major movie ever has been impeded by my extreme fear of the supernatural, especially women and children.
Click to read more and for some great answers on Facebook.
Ask
HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN OUR SECOND DEGREE CIRCLE?
I’m trying to solve a math problem. Some of you have heard me ask this during a couple of live broadcasts; I'm surprised it's not more Googlable.
Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form is this post rooting for death. Naturally, I'm expressing all due sensitivity during this difficult time. Here goes.
I'm making an assumption that, for there to be a long-term effect in the US, something like 1 in 5 Americans would have to know somebody who knows somebody who dies from coronavirus.
The people you know are in your first degree circle. The people they know (somebody who knows somebody) are in your second degree circle.
Click here to read more and read… as of now… no good answers.
Laugh
Since this is a FUNNY Indian Newsletter, I present here the 5 funny things that I saw, heard, wrote, or remembered for the last month... otherwise known as FIVE - Funny Indian's V Events.
5. SNL did an episode from home. Tom Hanks’ opening monologue was pretty solid. And if that’s Tom Hanks’ kitchen, we’re doing OK for ourselves.
4. This tweet cracked me up. Wow. What a sociopath. “My friend just said that tonight her boyfriend quietly got up from the couch, went into the kitchen, measured out all the ingredients to make pancakes, made One Single Pancake, sat back down on the couch, ate it quietly, and did not even ask her if she wanted one.”
3. If Joe Biden doesn’t use this in his campaign, he’s a moron. The Liar Tweets Tonight.
2. Proving perhaps no idea is original but many ideas are still funny, here’s a YouTube compilation of Drunk in the Club Covid Tik Toks.
1. I cannot stop watching Sarah Cooper’s “How to Medical.”
Close
THANK YOU to all of you for your support. You are my true core of fans — I couldn't do this without you. If you think your friends would enjoy this, please forward it along...
Big Ups, Mad Props, & Much Love,
- Rajiv
R.I.P., Irrfan Khan. Wow. One of the few actors whose work made me cry. Love.
