The Funny Indian Newsletter, Vol. CLXIX

October 2020: To Go

Welcome

Welcome to the last pre-Civil War II newsletter!

I’M KIDDING. 🤔

October Highlights:

• Produced this video shared on When We All Vote’s Instagram page (300K+ followers).

• Released my Why Biden A-Z series.

• Hosted a 400+-person online event featuring Nik Dodani (Atypical), Ravi Patel (Meet the Patels), and Karan Soni (brown dude from Deadpool).

• Performed a 20-min set for Masala Radio (25,000 listeners) in Houston.

• And just when I thought I should stop talking about politics, I got an unreal amount of engagement on Facebook during the debates.

Scroll for more cool stuff…

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Watch

Why Biden A-Z

Click “YouTube” for the entire playlist: YouTube. Instagram. Facebook. The fun way to go through these will be to join my Facebook Watch Party.

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See

PAST:

10/06: Western Arts Alliance (Los Angeles, CA)

10/15: BLM Panel (Boston, MA)

10/17: Indo-American News Radio (Houston, TX)

10/17: Flappers Comedy Club (Los Angeles, CA)

10/21: Votella

10/25: American India Foundation (Boston, MA)

10/28 - 10/30: Society of Asian Scientists & Engineers

FUTURE:

10/30: Fab Life 360 on Rukus Avenue Radio

11/01: Join Comedian Rajiv Satyal to Call South Asian Voters in Michigan!

11/01: Facebook Watch Party - PLEASE JOIN ME THIS SUNDAY AT 9 PM EST!

11/06: Greenwich, CT, ICC Diwali Special

11/07: AIM for Seva

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Vote

If you don’t want Politics/Presidential Debates, skip this section. ;)

I'm a bit surprised Pence's tongue didn't flick out and swallow that fly.

I never thought I’d say this: I miss commercials.

Since Trump is basically Biff from the Back to the Future Trilogy, I wish he would’ve busted onstage with: “Hey, McFLY, I thought I told you never to come in here.”

I can skip my cardio today. My heart rate has been at 200 since this debate started.

Chris Wallace sounds like a frustrated parent. “Now, now. We agreed you two would share the toy.”

This is the hardest performance I’ve ever had and I’m sitting on my couch.

Cancel the rest of the debates! Can I get an amen???

I took organic chemistry on the campus of CWRU and I’d rather be sitting in that class than in this auditorium.

Chris Wallace for President.

And damn, I thought KAMALA was fly.

Our President is a white supremacist.

Joe Biden won by speaking directly to the camera. Boss move.

I’ll take a weak firefighter over a strong arsonist.

Solution: Give the moderator the ability to mute the mics.

Pence talkin' so much sh!t... a fly landed on him.

Somebody, please start a petition to cancel the rest of the debates. I’ll sign.

Worst Debate in History. 2020, we'd expect nothing less. Thanks for delivering again.

If we can ever travel overseas again, the new opening line in my standup act: “Well, I’m an American.” [Crowd laughs for an hour.] “Thank you. Good night.”

My take: "When people are insecure, they'd rather have somebody who is strong and wrong than someone who's weak and right." - President Bill Clinton. Well, that's Clinton's take. But it's my biggest fear. Here's my take: The house is on fire. Joe Biden is a weak firefighter. He had a hard time completing even his best lines. [More.]

When the American people watched Joe Biden tonight, they saw themselves: Honest. Decent. Hard-working. Trying to keep their head down and do their jobs with dignity. Donald J. Trump was like the coronavirus itself: Trying to interrupt. Disrupt. Mess up their lives. America, your choice is clear.

#PresidentialDebate Solves U.S. Immigration Problem. Now, Nobody Wants to Come Here.

You shouldn't root for covid. You also shouldn't root for the Proud Boys.

Donald: "Tonight, @FLOTUS and I tested positive for COVID-19. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!" Melania: Um... Together?

Donnie refuses to wear a mask and contracts COVID. Joey wears his mask and doesn't. This feels like a Goofus and Gallant cartoon. (It's one of the Highlights of my year.)

The White House said Trump "remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day." Good spirits? Mild? Working? OK, so Covid HAS deeply affected him.

#VPDebate - My Take 1 Hour In: I'm a feminist but I'm a man (surprise) and I know how men think. In fact, you could say I have decades of experience. My concern is how moderate Midwesterners view a fiery black woman from California. [More.]

Is California a red state now? Oh, wait. Those are just the fires.

Who’s winning? Chris Wallace.

An Indian moderator! Oh, she's half-black & half-white. SO CLOSE.

Pence: ~”Our land is cleaner than ever.” Yeah. Because nobody’s outside.

Kamala should taunt Pence by entering the stage to the tune of SexyBack... “I’m bringin’ Plexiglass....”

When some Indians say that Biden may not be as good for India, I say this: Biden will be better for Indians in America. Allow me an analogy that is an uncomfortable truth: Ideally, your spouse treats your family well. Of course, you hopefully wouldn't marry someone who disrespects your relatives. But more importantly is how they treat YOU. I want my wife to love my parents, but guess what. I'm the one who has to live here.

Who are these nutbags? While I can see a glimmer of truth in some of these points, most of it is just outright lies and propaganda. Here's what I wanna know: How does a person become like this? Were they dropped as a child? "Did you eat paint chips as a kid?" - Tommy Boy

No, I said I HOPE HICKS get Covid.

If anyone needs a pole worker, you can ask my friend, Destiny.

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Like

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Like

Quibi shuts down after 6 months. They promised short-form content—and they delivered.

I wanna start a fashionable Punjabi British boy band and call it Hairy Styles.

Borat 2 is the only comedy ever whose second half is better than its first*.

(*but it’s pretty darned filthy.)

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Ask

Which TV shows have you watched in their entirety?

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Love

Happy Birthday, Mom… great job on this women’s suffrage panel!

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Laugh

Since this is a FUNNY Indian Newsletter, I present here the 5 funny things that I saw, heard, wrote, or remembered for the last month... otherwise known as FIVE - Funny Indian's V Events.

5. Wear a Mask!

4. My dog changes his face every time I look back.

3. Jason’s getting ready for Halloween.

2. My daughter flipped off her teacher…

1. How to Deal with Brown People (The Brown Bar)

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Close

THANK YOU to all of you for your support. You are my true core of fans — I couldn't do this without you. If you think this may spark joy for your friends during this difficult time, please feel free to forward it along...

Big Ups, Mad Props, & Much Love,

- Rajiv

P.S. - R.I.P., Eddie Van Halen.

P.P.S. - Congrats, Los Angeles Dodgers!!!