The Funny Indian Newsletter, Vol. CLXXXIX

June 2022: Last of the Romans

Welcome

Welcome to the June Funny Indian Newsletter. From the jump, I’ve numbered these as Roman numerals. As we count up to #200, we’ll switch over to the Hindu-Arabic system… appropriately. Exciting times here at FunnyIndian, Inc.

On the real, though, Season Two of my independent talk show, What Do You Bring to the Table?, is finally here! Check out new episodes at WatchRajiv.com.

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Musings

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Spam Potential

Best idea you’ll hear today: When I get a live spam call, I answer the person’s first question enthusiastically and then, mid-sentence, I hit the hang-up button. That way, they just think we got disconnected.

It requires a bit of timing to be convincing, but you can work on it. The key is to not change the inflection of your voice so you don’t indicate what’s coming. I add their number to my Blocked Contacts and the transaction is complete. Nobody’s feelings are hurt and I feel like I got in a little acting for the day.

You’re welcome.

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Who Made Who?

In Boston last month, I'd called two college friends and one high school friend to get together after I hosted my latest Akshaya Patra USA event.

Since Devon didn't know Brian and Sushma, he asked a good general-conversation question: "What's your most vivid memory of Rajiv from Case Western Reserve University?"

"Oh, definitely the time Rajiv made a speech for Class President. About 350 of us were sitting in General Chemistry, and in he walked, rocking sunglasses, a three-piece suit, and a boombox on his shoulder, with the speakers blaring 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC. At that point, how could we not vote for him? Like, how bad is this kid gonna feel if he doesn't win?"

I won. But that's not the point of the story. For many years, I've been searching for a way to explain just how bad my memory is. Well, here's the thing: I DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER DOING THIS. So, the next time I forget something, keep in mind that I can't even recall the time I apparently donned formalwear amongst a sea of jeans and T-shirts, fast-forwarded a cassette tape in my dorm room until I found the beginning of that iconic opening, and somehow ensured I had multiple D-batteries to power the darned thing.

So, yeah, if your comment slipped my mind or I don't remember meeting you, it's nothing personal.

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TWSS

I just had my best "That's What She Said" ever.

Wife was installing a new Google Nest Cam, reading the instructions out loud. I just so happened to be walking through the room when she came to this part:

"Even a few inches can make a difference."

"That's what she said."

Boom. Just wish the camera had recorded it.

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ProAntiBiotics

I wrote this earlier, but since I’m SICK AGAIN, it’s still relatable.

I don't believe it's an exaggeration to say that these past few weeks are the worst I've ever felt. I don't know if I picked it up in Boston, New York, or LA, but I had a cough and congestion that seemed like they were never gonna go away. And while I know most men are total babies when they get sick, I can tell you I'm not that way. I'm strong: I take it like a woman.

For decades, my colds have always run the same course: sore throat, then nasal congestion, then chest congestion. You know how the first 48-72 hours are normally the worst and then you gradually come out of it? Well, this was a roller coaster, with a dry cough followed by a wet cough and then back to a dry one and then finishing strong with a wet one. Marking a significant departure from my normal progression, last Thursday and Friday were the worst days I had — almost three weeks after my initial symptoms. I was coughing so hard that I woke myself up after taking TWO NyQuils (at my weight).

The best theory I've heard is that bugs are much stronger after two years of a lack of exposure. I tested negative for covid thrice, including two PCR tests at two of the three doctor visits I had.

What finally cleared it up? The trusted Z-pack. The ol' antibiotic, Azithromycin. Now, my wife, a pharmacist, whom one would expect would know more about giving drugs than a comedian, insists this is because I took it after four weeks of illness. I understand this. Then again, I think it's safe to say that comedians might know more about taking drugs than pharmacists. Remember that, right before the Z-pack, I was getting worse, not better.

Three times, I asked three different doctors, including one at urgent care when things got really bad, for some antibiotics. They cited two reasons as to why not:

1. They could see my infection was viral, not bacterial.

2. They're worried about the long-term efficacy of antibiotics. Since so many people have taken so many for so long, there's a real concern they won't work anymore.

Allow me to refute both points:

• I asked each of them, and my wife, how the heck they know it's bacterial by looking at me. They said they just know. OK, well, that's not good enough. I don't believe you. One doctor even took out her stethoscope and told me I'm clear as a bell. Given I was having a pretty darned hard time breathing, I felt gaslit. As a comedian, I can't do that: "Hey, trust me, this joke is funny." "Well, if I'm not laughing, it's not funny, buddy." Also, btw, I'm an engineer. I want to see some numbers, tests, charts, and graphs. Prove it to me. I'm at the point where I basically don't trust anyone's opinion on anything anymore. People have been so consistently wrong about everything that I need you to convince me.

• I used to take a Z-pack whenever I got sick until my PCP (physician, not the drug) told me I needed to cut that out for the aforementioned reason. As I stated, I'm an engineer. I believe in doing what's best for the system, not the individual. So, for many years, I sacrificed my well-being for the greater good. And I'm cool to do that for two weeks, maybe three. But when we're approaching a month, you need to listen to me. Gimme the damn Z-pack. And guess what. Within 48 hours, I was better. I realize you're the experts, but when a 46-year-old walks into your office, your bedside manner and training should also tell you that maybe this is somebody who knows his body. Especially when the third doctor, after taking my resting heart rate of 62, asked me if I was a runner. No, I'm not a runner in the physical sense nor the metaphorical one: I won't run away from my problems either.

Next time around, docs, consider trusting your patients. I understand there's a lot of abuse out there, but sometimes the person with the ailment knows best. And let me finish with this: if you're not gonna prescribe antibiotics for ANY reason, then it's not a long-term problem. It's already here. Because if we can't get them, let me tell you something: they already don't work.

But that doesn't mean you don't need to.

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Updates

See

Future

07/23: Private Event (Windsor, ON)

Past

06/18: Neil & Juhi’s Pre-Pre-Wedding Event (Glendale, CA)

06/26: Ashok Tantradi’s 50th Birthday Party (Lake Forest, CA)

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Watch

These are available at WatchRajiv.com: Lilly Singh, Parvesh Cheena, and Sujata Day. For short clips, check out Instagram.com/FunnyIndian.

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Like

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Ask

You’re in Hell. What kind of music is playing?

Click here for some great answers on Facebook.

Love

Yesterday, Ushy passed away. “Ushy” is the term of endearment my brothers and I use for my Mom’s sister, Usha Bali. To many, she was simply Usha. To my Mom, she was Didi. To the students of Westwood Elementary in the Cincinnati Public School District, she was Miss Bali. To the Desi community, she was Usha Auntie. To many of my cousins, she was Usha Masi. But to me, she was always Ushy.

Click to finish.

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Laugh

Since this is a FUNNY Indian Newsletter, I present here the 5 funny things that I saw, heard, wrote, or remembered for the last month... otherwise known as FIVE - Funny Indian's V Events. 

5. The next time I’m in Poland, I should check out these larpers. OH-! -IO!

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4. Perhaps I should’ve saved horror content for October, but hey, the second part of Stranger Things 4 drops Friday.

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3. It is ironic. (Actually, it’s not, so this fits perfectly.)

Super 70s Sports @Super70sSports

Almost 30 years later, and I’m still processing that Dave Coulier made Alanis Morissette lose her goddamn mind.

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2. I’ve always thought “Earth” was just such a dumb name. Even the planets we ourselves named sound so much cooler. “Where do you live?” “Jupiter.” “Wow… seems dope.” “You?” “Um… Earth.”

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1. Kind of a take on Bill Burr’s bit… also well-executed. (Even if I disagree.)

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Close

THANK YOU to all of you for your support. You are my true core of fans — I couldn't do this without you.

Love,

- Rajiv