The Funny Indian Newsletter, Vol. CLXXXVII
Welcome to the April Funny Indian Newsletter. After I focused on one topic in March (Mr. & Mrs. Smith) to much resonance with you, my dear readers, I’m trying out a different format for this one:
Part I: Musings that you can share.
Part II: My professional updates.
And don’t forget to scroll to the end to find the five funniest things this month. Enjoy.
I was taking my son for a stroll when I got the hankerin' for some pizza. Texted my wife and asked her if was up for some spontaneity which, to her credit, she generally is. "Meet ya there in 10 minutes." How much can happen in 10 minutes? Well, a lot.
The nice young man working at the local Burbank pizza joint (the one featured in Never Have I Ever on Netflix, to boot — and "boot" seems appropriate since it's Italian cuisine) held the door as I maneuvered the stroller inside. I ordered a medium pizza with two toppings and extra sauce. Stop for a minute. How much do you think that was?
Sure, it's LA. And they might've gotten some buzz from an appearance on a Mindy Kaling show, but we've ordered myriad pies from myriad shops in our day. $26. TWENTY-SIX AMERICAN DOLLARS FOR A 14" PIZZA. (That's $1.86 an inch. I don't think it works that way. OK, so it's $1.07/sq ft, which ain't bad if it's real estate. Thanks, pi.)
I was craving my favorite food. I love supporting local businesses. And we've tipped heavily throughout the pandemic to support workers during this difficult time. But this was a bridge too far, especially since they didn't seem to be struggling. (Benchmark: Very good equivalent pizzas in our neighborhood go for $18-20.)
Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to storm out of a place with a stroller. That was quite the sight to behold, I'm sure. Hard to say who was more confused: dude behind the counter, listening to my curmudgeonly mutterings about inflation... my son who did a literal 180... or my wife when she arrived and saw us on the sidewalk. We went to Taco Bell. Crisis averted. Harsha won't argue with THAT spontaneity. And that was $15 more to our son's 529 college fund. (Can’t wait for the return of the Mexican Pizza on May 19. Should be a National Holiday.)
What about you? Have you ever gotten to the precipice of a transaction, with the full weight of the momentum and peer pressure just to go through with it, only to clash against your own principles and cancel the order? The principle in this case, of course, is cheapness. As amusing as that might be, the real reason is that's highway robbery and someone has to take a stand. Would you do the same? Have you done the same? What was the item and how exorbitantly was it priced? I suppose this is a win/win for me: either you agree and I have some shared misery. Or you disagree and I remain the unique bird that I am… though I know my Dad would approve.
Can you catch a cold by being out in the cold? Science says you must be exposed to a virus, that the cold merely makes you more susceptible. I swear, though, it feels like chilly weather alone has made me sick. Any help? Hindus? Something about chakras?
Click for some great replies on Facebook. My favorite? Flavia Mason’s: I’m convinced one day we will find a direct correlation (if not causation) and this old wives’ tale will be proven correct. I’m sick all the time now that I live in Boston and feel like everyone here gets really sick in the winter. I don’t remember big waves of sickness every winter in LA or in Brazil.
At the end of every phone call, it's a mad dash to hit the hang-up icon before the other person. God forbid they think I have one extra second in my life, like some kind of LOSER.
How far out do you know pi? Me? 3.1415926535. I’ve never really tried to memorize it much further. When Hasan, several other comics, and I did Stanford many years ago, a student came up and recited it to 57 places (revealing he probably didn’t travel much to actual Earth places). My brother, Rakesh, and I used to play this game at the Little Caesars on Pleasant Ave. in Fairfield, OH. We could routinely follow the flashing lights well over 50 (he to the mid-50s and I to the mid-60s… but I was also 4 years 5 months 18 days 12 hours 43 minutes older than he… still am, in fact). Perhaps I should try to take pi out to 58 places by 3.14 next year. Or take my mind off it and take my wife out instead. That might be more… rational.
Parents, how much did you try to prevent your child from getting into certain things? At the age of 7, I ate oodles of candy, watched a ton of TV, and read the entire Bible Story children's book series while waiting for the dentist. By the time I was 14, I'd cut out candy and TV and remained a Hindu. Despite incessant societal warnings, I'm convinced there's very little correlation between early exposure and adulthood lifestyle. What say you?
Wow. Uncut Gems. Massively overrated. Adam Sandler was good. But that flick was far too frantic. There's a difference between watching stressed-out people (Goodfellas) and getting stressed yourself watching stressed-out people. The former is great direction; the latter is what we just saw.
Setting aside the politics (if that's even possible), let's not let it get lost in the mix that we finally have a Black woman on the Supreme Court of the United States. We can argue about the process, but the outcome is remarkable and long, long, long overdue. Thoroughly impressed by Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and Mitt Romney's thoughtful deliberations. Congratulations to the impeccably qualified and well-deserving Ketanji Brown Jackson!
05/01: Akshaya Patra Foundation (Boston, MA) (pic)
05/13: Private Event (Long Beach, CA)
03/19: Pradeep Patel’s 60th Birthday Party (La Mirada, CA)
03/27: MB Karaoke Comedy Spectacular (Glendale, CA)
04/19: SBIAA Comedy Night (El Segundo, CA) (Click for a fun pic!)
Honored that TV Asia booked me for a long interview to discuss the Oscars and so much more.
A lotta fun interviewing the President of Pizza Hut. And KFC. And Yum! Brands. I sat down with Kevin Hochman in my role as a co-host of the P&G Alumni Podcast.
𝙎𝙇𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙄𝙉' 𝘾𝙍𝘼𝘾𝙆 𝙍𝙊𝘾𝙆
At the 94th Oscars last Sunday, comedian Chris Rock cracked a G.I. Jane joke at actress Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense.
Initially, Mr. Smith laughed at Rock’s crack, so the audience might’ve thought he only believed, "𝗜 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗜 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗠𝘆 𝗪𝗶𝗳𝗲." However, if anyone should’ve known 𝗚𝗶𝗿𝗹𝘀 𝗔𝗶𝗻’𝘁 𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗧𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗲, it’s the Fresh Prince. At the same time, if anyone should've known about the importance of 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗛𝗮𝗶𝗿, it's the comedic director of that documentary.
Wow! If you ever need a work of art for your space, hit up our Austin-to-LA friend, Sachin Mistry. Dude transformed our backyard with this mural. It changed faster than our son — OK, maybe not that fast. (Sachsketches; @sachsketches on Instagram.) Next up? Adding a topper to cover up whatever that lattice structure is on the other side of the wall.
Since this is a FUNNY Indian Newsletter, I present here the 5 funny things that I saw, heard, wrote, or remembered for the last month... otherwise known as FIVE - Funny Indian's V Events.
5. Congrats to my brother, Rakesh, for being featured in this amazing post…
4. American TV has rapidly followed Indian TV, the trendsetters in the department of talking over each other.
2. The Comedy Store turned 50 and my friend had the funniest quote of all 50 comics.
1. And this one was juuust right…
THANK YOU to all of you for your support. You are my true core of fans — I couldn't do this without you.