Top Ten Things Europe Does Better than US.

As an American born and bred in the heartland of America, I love this country. We do a lot of things right. And I know I’ll ruffle some…

“I believe in America.” — The first line of The Godfather

As an American born and bred in the heartland of America, I love this country. We do a lot of things right. And I know I’ll ruffle some feathers by even suggesting that we could do anything better.

Alas, everything is political these days — weather used to be the definition of small talk. Now, you’re two sentences away from a battle about climate change.

“[There’s] what I think of as the “little world”: those things we all experience every day: driving, food, pets, relationships, and idle thoughts. [Then there’s] the “big world”: war, politics, race, death, and social issues.”

— George Carlin

Still, there’s less chance of this being political if I play in the little world. So, I’m avoiding universal health care and focusing on traffic (in a roundabout manner). After spending time in England, Switzerland, and most recently Spain, I’ve observed 10 things done better in Europe than in the United States.

1. Spirits.

“Alcohol — my permanent accessory.” — Barenaked Ladies

Beer is served at most fast food restaurants.

2. Security.

“You will do what I say when I say, ‘Back to the front.’” — Metallica

The system for returning trays back to the front of the line is automated. It averts the need for some poor soul to drag a bunch of trays back for everybody to use. I tend to do that a lot in the States, though I’m aware the TSA is probably wary of a brown leader.

3. Power.

“You’ve been… thunderstruck.” — AC/DC

A lot of hotels have universal electric outlets, so one can plug in for 110V or 220V power. Almost every hotel at which I’ve stayed in the USA has only 110V.

4. Money.

“Look at that face — would anyone vote for that?”

— Donald Trump on Carly Fiorina

Europe’s money is much prettier, even if we do put a woman on the $10 bill.

5. Time.

“’Cause I hate when the moment’s expected.” — The Weeknd

I HATE the fact that we start the week on Sunday. Sunday is so clearly the end of the week… it’s on the weekend. If you need any proof, “On the seventh day, God rested.” That’s Sunday, which has clearly “earned it.” Monday is the beginning of the week. I don’t really see any counterargument. And another thing… I prefer listing dates as 2 October 2015. It starts specific and gets more general. Finally, military time is widely used, ironically, given how the US loves war so much more. It’s far easier to do math, like computing how many hours are between 3 am and 8 pm. 8 pm is 2000 hours. 20–3 = 17 hours.

“But we don’t reckon time the same way, do we, Clarice?” — Hannibal Lechter

6. Space.

“Do you know why they call it a ‘Royale with Cheese’?” — Jules Winnfield

The metric system is at least 2.54 times better than ours. Sure, American football is the best sport and this would affect it pretty drastically but calculations generally are far easier using the metric system. (And they’re right to call soccer “football.”) The British don’t even use the so-called British system anymore. That’s when you know it’s time to punt.

I’ll Be Brief.

7. Trains.

My wife and I went from Barcelona to Madrid in 2.5 hours. The train stations in both cities are very accessible. The trains themselves are safe and clean and affordable and efficient — the display clocks that count down the arrival of the next train are customary, not a luxury like they are at intermittent NY subway stations. It’s well-documented that public transportation in the States sucks a fat man’s ass, so I’ll stop here.

“You ever travel by bus? Hmm. Your mood’s probably not gonna improve much.” — Del Griffith

8. Automobiles.

“I’ll be your roundabout.” — Yes

One-way streets are far more conducive to pedestrians. Granted, a lot of US downtowns have them but a lot don’t. Los Angeles comes to mind. And roundabouts are legit. Four-way stops suck: they are so unbelievably inefficient. Roundabouts keep the traffic flowing.

“Big Ben… Parliament.” — Clark W. Griswold

9. Food.

“Ahhhhhhh… Portion control.” — Prince (kind of)

We’ve been had in America. People are literally dying for a cure to cancer and heart disease. I absolutely do not want to be insensitive to folks affected by these awful phenomena (and which of us hasn’t?), especially given the many moving parts involved, but I’d still say well over half of the epidemic could be solved if we just ate right. In Europe, you can taste the naturalness of the ingredients. I realize feeding 300 million people calls for mass production but we’re poisoning ourselves everyday. It also doesn’t hurt that portion control is much easier when Carl’s Jr. sizes are easily avoidable.

I’d Say She’s a Size OO.

10. Toilets.

Almost every single public bathroom was immaculate. And for years, the Europeans have been using the water-conserving flush for when you’re urinating. The shape of the toilets is a bit better for sitting, as well. There’s less water at the bottom of the bowl but it’s well-positioned so that when a turd makes its way out, you hear a loud plop. And if you’re typing this blog post at the same time, you both feel and sound productive. Very satisfying.

I Just Wish That Were the Norm.

Rajiv Satyal is a standup comic. He resides in Los Angeles.